If you’d like to hear me read today’s newsletter, click on the audio above.
Be sure to check out my new workshop, How to Love Yourself (when your mind is determined not to), taking place on Sunday, November 13th.
And join me for this week’s Online Breath & Belonging on Wednesday, October 26th.
My good friend Jacob Nordby and I released a new episode of our podcast Hey Jacob, Hi Scott yesterday. We dive deeply into some great subjects on every episode. If you like this newsletter, I think you’ll like the podcast a lot, too. You can listen wherever you get your podcasts, or watch the episode on Youtube.
Hi Friends,
Before I get into today’s newsletter, I’d like to invite you to try a short breathing exercise that can be incredibly effective at creating more calm in your mind and body. It’s simple: we’re going to exhale for two counts longer than we inhale. By extending the exhale, we activate the parasympathetic nervous system, the part of the brain that lowers the heart rate and blood pressure and guides us back to a state of relaxation and healing. Let’s give it a try, breathing in and out through the nose if possible, first with a two-count inhale, a one-count hold at the top of the inhale, and an exhale for four counts. I’ll guide you.
Inhale one, two. Hold. Exhale one, two, three, four. Again. Inhale one, two. Hold. Exhale one, two, three, four. One more time. Inhale one, two. Hold. Exhale one, two, three, four.
Let’s try it with a four count on the inhale and a six count on the exhale. Here we go. Inhale one, two, three, four. Hold. Exhale one, two, three, four, five, six. Again. Inhale one, two, three, four. Hold. Exhale one, two, three, four, five, six. One more time. Inhale one, two, three, four. Hold. Exhale one, two, three, four, five, six.
Check in with yourself now. How do you feel? More relaxed? Grounded? More present in your body? A few minutes of this breath works wonders for me, especially when I’m feeling anxious or ungrounded. Use whatever counts feels best for you; just be sure to add two extra beats to the exhale. Leave a comment below and let me know how this breathing practice felt for you, or if there are other practices that help you feel more calm and centered.
The holidays are just around the corner, and that can be a difficult time for a lot of people. Perhaps you’re one of them. I’d like to offer a different perspective around approaching the times of year, or specific dates, that tend to incite in us a lot of anxiety or dread.
In my family, September has long been a dreaded month. We lost both my parents to murder on September 16th, 1985, and then nine years later lost my brother to a heroin overdose on September 14th. For years I would enter the month with foreboding, and often spend many days of September feeling sad and uneasy. My siblings have had a similar experience. I had accepted that this was just the way it was, given the tragic circumstances that had occurred. September is a tough month for me, I’d repeated to myself and others each year it would could around. But did it have to be?
I had a fantastic September this year. I traveled a little, spent quality time with friends and in nature, and generally felt good and relaxed. I thought about my parents and brother, especially on the days of their deaths, but not in a heavy way. This wasn’t the first September in these past decades that felt light and easy, and though the sum total of pleasant Septembers is definitely in the minority, most of the last several have not at all been mired in sadness and unease.
As you well know if you’ve been following my work, I believe everything is energy, and that energy tends to attract like energy. Several years ago I stopped setting myself up for a miserable September. I stopped declaring September as a tough month before it even happened and no longer bound myself to the story that it would be so. I began to allow the month to be whatever it was, without clinging to my expectations that it would be terrible.
In reality, we have no idea what the future holds, even when the past has held the same story for years or decades. The past does not automatically determine the future. To state right now that these upcoming holidays, for example, are going to be difficult because they generally have been is to give tangible energy to the creation of a reality we don’t want to happen. We don’t have to do that. I came to see the ways in which I was influencing how September played out each year by expecting it to be hard instead of allowing it simply to be, or even better, bringing intention to the possibility of it unfolding in a beautiful way. Telling myself a different story about September’s potential and thereby inviting the month to rewrite itself as well.
I’m not suggesting we reframe difficult anniversaries, holidays or seasons from a place of denial but from a place of openness to creating new realities, to writing new stories. Ten years of miserable Valentine’s Days does not automatically portend an eleventh year of misery, and especially if we’re willing to open ourselves to the possibility of a great VDay, and take intentional actions to make it so, even if we end up spending it alone.
To be clear, just because we go into, say, the holidays with a new outlook on what’s possible doesn’t necessarily mean they won’t end up being just as difficult as they have been in the past. Along with being intentional about rewriting our expectations, it can be incredibly helpful to be proactive before the holidays arrive and outline how it is we’re going to take extra good care of ourselves once they do. If the holidays have tended to be a lonely time of year, what choices can you make that might ease some of the loneliness? Are there friends or family you can set up phone dates with, or in-person dates if you live in the same area? Are there events, or talks, or workshops to which you can get tickets that will keep you connected to art, and personal development, and community during the season? A Google search will help you find any number of free options online if budget is a concern.
Ask yourself the question, How can I bring more peace, and joy, and connection to the holidays this year? Or to Valentine’s Day, if that’s the tough one for you. Or to the anniversary of a loved one’s death. Again, not to deny the difficulty of the experience, but to open ourselves to a more expansive possibility within it. A question that begins with How can I… automatically invites in your creativity and imagination and moves you toward the likelihood of creating something new. How can I… says Yes I can, and let me consider the ways.
I’m no longer willing to set myself up for the future I don’t want by convincing myself that’s the future I’m going to get. Neither am I willing to believe the traumatic events of my past irrevocably determine my future. I will not pretend to know what the future holds, nor will I give energy to predictions of doom when all things are possible. I went into September this year feeling good and hopeful and open to the month being beautiful. Even if it had ended up being a hard month, at least I would have given myself an August filled with possibility instead of dread. That counts for something.
We are more powerful than we realize with the thoughts we think and the actions we take. Why not direct that power toward creating as much peace, joy and connection in our lives as possible? And being so gentle and loving with ourselves when, for whatever reason, peace, joy and connection just aren’t possible.
Sending you all so much love and gratitude,
Scott
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