Hi Friends,
I sat down to write in a Santa Fe coffee shop the other morning, upbeat and buzzing from a strong cappuccino. After eavesdropping on six enthusiastic women gathered for Bible study, and then checking out the dozen or so colorful birds chirping away in an enormous, studio-apartment-sized cage at the back of the cafe, I claimed my spot on an outdated sofa and pulled out my computer. I put my headphones on (see: enthusiastic Bible women and chirping birds) and opened one of my many moody, good-for-writing playlists on Spotify. Before I could get to the writing project I’d intended to work on, these words came through:
I want to share the whole of me and I'm terrified you'll not just reject but be disgusted by some of my parts. Even as I grow in love with myself and feel more confident about who I am and am not, I fear one admission, one truth, one desire may turn your attraction into revulsion, your yes to a no, may lead you to walk away. And I don't want to be with the rejection, with the ways in which my mind will use it to tell me I'm ugly and flawed and ultimately unlovable as I am. I'm as desperate to share all of myself as I am to stay hidden, as hopeful you might receive me as I am scared you will reject me. I long to be free but feel caged by what you will think and feel about me if you knew me for real.
As I wrote this I wasn’t thinking about a particular person. These words apply to everyone in my life, and I suspect always will. Think about it: Is there anyone on the planet with whom you would feel comfortable sharing all of yourself? I mean, everything: all of your sexual desires, even the kinky ones; the hateful thoughts you sometimes have about others; the degree to which you adore and/or despise yourself; the depth of envy you can feel for those you love; the scary places hopelessness can take you.
As open as I can be with those closest to me, and as accepted and loved as I feel by them, I still fear living my life wholly unfiltered and making myself available to the judgment and rejection I feel would certainly, eventually come from it. Different friends and family get many pieces of me, but there’s no one on the planet who has gotten my whole. I don’t believe there’s anyone in my life whose whole I’ve gotten either. And that’s okay. I think that’s the way of being human. We want so desperately to be loved we can’t help but hide ourselves, at least to some extent. We can’t help but try to protect ourselves from rejection.
I’m committed to being more honest, more vulnerable, more fully myself, and I’m as committed to offering myself grace — love — when I’m not able to be those things. Self-love continues to be the secret sauce to life, at least for me. I thrive in knowing it is within my power to love myself, no matter how I’m showing up, no matter what thoughts I’m thinking, no matter how I’m being received or rejected.
This doesn’t mean it’s always easy to love myself, of course, but I’m willing and committed and always eventually find my way there. You can’t practice at something without getting better at it; self-love is no exception to that rule. And whose love could possibly matter more to me than my own? Or more to you than your own? We know all of our own secrets, after all. We can’t hide from ourselves, not really, not effectively, not forever. With love, we don’t even have to try. Love sees our fullness and says yes to all of it. Reminds us we are enough and worthy, exactly as we are. There are no cages in love. Only freedom. And who among us doesn’t long to fly?
Sending you all so much love,
Scott
UPCOMING EVENTS
Join me online on February 25th for Writing Yourself, a workshop dedicated to writing that takes us within, that helps us get clearer about who we are and are not, that centers us more deeply in our authenticity and our courage to express it. It's a profound joy to share space with other open-hearted humans writing into themselves, willing to be honest with and love themselves. No writing experience necessary. Details HERE.
My good friend and brilliant meditation teacher, David Gandelman and I are holding a retreat in Spain this year from August 31st to September 6th, about forty-five minutes outside of Barcelona, near the Montserrat Mountains. It’s called Live Your Truth, and we’re going to write, meditate, practice breathwork, eat fabulous food, explore the mountains, and make many new friends. It’s going to be so beautiful, in all the ways. Go HERE for more information.
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