Thoughts from the coffee shop...

Letting go, chivalry & Lucifer.

Hi Friends,

I wrote the title, Thoughts from the coffee shop…, before having any compelling thoughts from this coffee shop, Dessert Oasis, where I sit right now, listening to Erykah Badu’s Mama’s Gun, one of my favorite albums from the 90s.

Bag lady, you gon' hurt your back
Dragging all them bags like that
I guess nobody ever told you
All you must hold on to
Is you, is you, is you

The idea of letting go — of the bags, the stories, the fears, the insecurities, the doubt, the blame — is so much easier than the reality of doing so. Just let it go, we’ve likely said to others and ourselves, not really sure how to drop the beliefs we know don’t serve us.

I don’t have an answer for how to let things go, but I find it helps to give energy — more and more energy — to the beliefs, and relationships, and habits that do add more peace, joy and meaning to my life. Let those things I have no desire to let go of take up a bigger place in my mind, heart and reality, so that those unhelpful things I’ve been clinging to have a chance to recede into the background a little more often.

I’m also not as concerned with my inability (so far) to let go of certain things. It’s human to cling, even to those beliefs and people and circumstances we know are no good for us. I’m all for giving energy to the possibility of letting go, while at the same time giving myself endless grace for my inability to do so. I am no less whole, no less worthy, no less human in my compulsion to cling. Holding on is as much a part of the story as letting go. I’m no longer interested in resisting any of it, even as I seek to create change.

I’m no longer interested in resisting any aspect of my life, not when acceptance is an option. In Enough as You Are, I wrote the following:

The more you fight against your circumstances, the harder you’ll struggle to move beyond them. Wars create wars, internally and externally. Accept your circumstances completely. Breathe into the reality of your life. Own it for what it is. Then, from this place of acceptance, from the peaceful acknowledgment that, if you want to, you can transform what is into something different and wonderful, begin to take the necessary steps to change your life.

Of course, figuring out how to accept unwelcome realities can be as hard as trying to let them go. For me, just knowing that acceptance is possible, helps. And knowing that there is a place within me — my soul — that lives always in deep acceptance of all that is, helps even more. For letting go and accepting, one invitation is to connect with your soul, the place within you that simply bears witness. It neither resists nor clings. It’s at peace with all that is, all the time.

I’m approaching my life with more nonchalance than ever, and it seems to be creating more peace in general.

Nonchalance: The trait of remaining calm and seeming not to care; a casual lack of concern.

A casual lack of concern. I like that. It’s not that I don’t care about what’s going on in my mind, or in my life; it’s just that I’m getting better at bringing a casual lack of concern to the many many many things about which my mind frets and obsesses. As I’ve mentioned often in these newsletters, one of my favorite reminders to myself is it’s okay honey, you’re human. I feel so much grace in that reminder.

And then there’s the outside world, of course. How in the hell do we bring nonchalance to this violent, insane world? I don’t know. I do, however, know it’s helpful to give energy to that which we can control, or at least have some influence over. It helps to stay centered in the heart, in love, no matter how we choose to engage with the world around us. It helps to lead with the empathy and compassion we want to see more of, in our relationship to ourselves, to others, to our activism. There is no place in life that love does not create the potential for healing.

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I just got back from the bathroom. I didn’t put the seat down after I peed. It was intentional. There are many more men in this coffee shop right now so I figured the next person going to the bathroom would likely be a guy. Who needed to pee. Yes, I think about these things. Equity. I grew up with sisters and am well-trained at putting the seat down and almost always do, unless, like today, I notice the demo leans strongly to men. The seat was up when I walked into the bathroom, so maybe whatever dude was in there thinks of equity too, or, more likely, always leaves the seat up because he was born in a barn, and not with sisters.

I do wonder, and maybe some of you women will respond: how do you feel about chivalry these days? Do you find you appreciate or resent when a man opens the door for you, or lets you order first, or pays the bill on a date, or walks closest to the road?

I see the ways chivalry is still alive within me, toward all people to some degree, but especially with women. I am an extremely polite person, and a generally sensitive person, so I’m often (not always, of course) considering another’s needs. Or, perhaps more accurately, my assumptions about their needs. I’m working on this.

I can be at dinner with six people and hyper aware of each person at the table and whether or not (I feel) they’re having a good time. And if anyone isn’t having a good time (according to me) some part of my mind will be preoccupied with their experience. To this, too, I am bringing a more nonchalant attitude. It’s not my favorite part of who I am, but it is an aspect of my personality, and I can accept it. I make a point to remind myself, when it’s happening, that I am not responsible for another person’s experience, and also that I don’t really know what’s going on in their mind. It also helps to remember that even if said person is having a terrible time at dinner, it’s not the end of the world. It’s dinner.

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I met an extraordinary man recently, while on a work trip to Arizona. His name is Esteban. He worked for the hotel I was staying at, and we got to talking one afternoon. He told me about his son, Lucifer (yes, Lucifer), who had been in a terrible car accident last September. The doctors told Esteban and his wife that Lucifer would never walk again. Esteban took a leave from his job to be with his son through his recovery. He pulled out his phone and showed me a video of Lucifer, just the day before, running up and down their driveway. All grace to God, Esteban told me.

If I may ask, I said, why the name Lucifer?

Well, he said, I grew up with a lot of Jesus’, Pauls and Timothys, and most of them are in jail now. Lucifer means light-bringer, and that’s exactly what my boy does, everywhere he goes. He’ll bring light to his name.

Esteban lit up as he talked about his son. It was beautiful to witness. I do wonder, however, if little Lucifer will end up choosing a less devilish nickname when he gets older. Who knows? Maybe he’ll inspire a new generation of heart-led Lucifers.

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I carry a copy of Enough as You Are in my backpack, in case I feel inspired to give it away, which I rarely do, but mostly because I forget that there’s a copy of it in my backpack. But I just remembered there is, and I feel like closing out this email by opening to a page from the book and sharing whatever is written there as my last thought from the coffeeshop.

And here it is:

I felt like doing my part to change the world, so I started by giving thanks for all the blessings in my life, rather than bemoaning all that was missing from it. Then I complimented my reflection in the mirror, instead of criticizing it as I usually did. Next I walked into my neighborhood and offered kindness to everyone I passed, whether or not they offered theirs to me. Each day I did these things, and soon they became habit. Each day I lived with more gratitude, more self-love, and more kindness. And sure enough, the world around me began to change. Because I had decided so, I was single-handedly doing my part to change it.

Thanks for being here, beautiful people. Please keep your hearts open, to yourselves and to one another. There is no good way forward without open-hearted connection. There is no healing without love.

And remember: you are beautiful, worthy and enough, just as you are.

Big and Bigger Love,

Scott