Why do many of us feel so threatened by the trans community?

Photo by Lena Balk on Unsplash

Hi Friends,

I spent a week in Shanghai recently, joining my manfriend on his work trip. Boyfriend sounds silly at this age. I liked Shanghai. With 27 million people (that’s three times NYC’s population) it’s the third most populous city in the world. You wouldn’t know it though. Mellow is probably a stretch, but I felt a general sense of calm there. I walked for miles each day, explored many neighborhoods in the sprawling metropolis, and aside from a couple crowded, noisy hours in a touristy shopping area, I encountered very little big city chaos. Clean streets, moderate traffic, zero aggression. Maybe three car horns in seven days. Scooters everywhere, and all electric so there was none of the ever-present lawnmower-like buzzing of scooters in other cities.

I had a consistently lovely experience walking around Shanghai, watching groups of women practice tai chai, and couples dance to 50s rock, and elders stretch their flexible limbs against park benches and fences and really anything they could find. I tasted rich pu-erh teas, nougaty confections, my body weight in pork buns, and the ubiquitous White Rabbit taffy-like candies. I don’t recommend the durian flavor.

I was often the only non-Asian wherever I chose to hang out. I’ll tell ya, I’ve never felt taller. I felt at ease in the city, regularly exchanging smiles with the locals, and laughs as I pointed at pictures on menus not at all certain what meal was going to be coming my way. Often not certain what I was eating once the meal had arrived. The food, for my tastes, was a mixed bag. I dug the pork buns and dumplings but not so much the bean curds and pastes. I loved the noodle soups but not necessarily the crunchy meats that filled them. I was a fan of all the pork but a bit leery of the chicken, especially when it was prepared, according to my phone translator, as slippery. I like my meat as I like my people: un-slippery. I almost, almost, grabbed some chicken feet from the hotel’s breakfast buffet, just to be bold, but I chickened out. As much as flavor, I’m either persuaded or dissuaded by texture, and I suspected those marinated feet were gonna pack a crunch my gag reflex wasn’t ready for.

As I explored Shanghai, I kept thinking about how we Americans are conditioned to view China as, at best, an adversary and, at worst, an enemy. As happens, we tend to direct our biases not just against certain foreign governments but against their citizens as well, and generally without knowing anything about them. If it’s one thing about us (us as in human beings) I find most frustrating, it’s our compulsion to judge those our ignorance implores us to condemn, rather than taking any time to learn about those we judge.

We don’t just do this with other cultures, of course. We’re expert at doing it with each other too. I’ve been thinking a lot about the trans community these days, especially leading up to and since the election. Prior to the election, Michigan was bombarded with terribly dehumanizing ads against trans people. Even in this ugly political reality, I was shocked by how small-minded and cruel the ads were. Really, disgusting. I’d see them whenever I was at the gym and wondered how effective something so hateful, that focused on such a small community, could be. We got that answer. It’s since been reported that in this past election cycle, Republicans spent $215 million alone on network TV ads that vilified trans people.

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My heart aches for the trans community, as they are under constant attack on the federal and, in many places, state levels. I’m a gay man so I know what it’s like to have people and governments question the legitimacy of my reality. I know what it’s like to be told that how I feel on the inside is not real, a choice, a mental illness, a depravity. To be deemed a sinner because I love and make love with men. And I know what it’s like to have felt a deep and overwhelming shame simply for existing as a gay person in a still too homophobic world.

My heart aches for the trans community because they have it so much worse. Not that it’s a competition, but trans people, in general, endure more extreme levels of violence, legal challenges, economic instability, and health disparities than gay people. It’s as heartless as it is unnecessary.

Trans people exist. Like every other kind of person, they have always existed. Trying to write them out of existence is ridiculous and cruel. It demonstrates profound weakness to go after the most marginalized among us, and in no way reflects a compassionate and loving society. And certainly doesn’t reflect my understanding of the teachings of Christ.

When I try to understand the societal response to something, in this case the trans community, I start by going within. Well, that’s not actually true. I start by judging those who would dare to drive their bigoted agenda against a community of people who just want to live their lives in peace. I start by thinking thoughts like I can’t understand how people can be so small-minded and cruel. What absolute assholes. And then, when I’m bored with discounting their humanity, when I take the time to get honest with myself, and honest with my own transphobia, I find I can understand it.

At least I have one understanding that makes sense to me: people are terrified to live authentically and resent others with the courage to do so. Add to this that most of us live in a state of moderate to deep self-loathing, unable to see our own worth, unable to say yes to our heart’s desires in the face of others’ judgments. Is it any surprise that a community of people with the courage to love and accept themselves enough to live openly and honestly — despite the cruelty they receive from far too many of us — would trigger those of us who don’t really understand what self-love and self-acceptance is, and therefore struggle to find love and acceptance for others? This is, to some degree, all of us by the way. We’re all struggling to love ourselves, and we’re all projecting this struggle onto one another in myriad ways.

I think trans people threaten those of us unwilling to face in ourselves the aspects of who we are that don’t fit into societal expectations, the aspects bound to the conditioned box. Rather than doing the work of facing and rewriting our conditioning and shame, we turn into pariahs those brave enough to walk in their truth. And to what end? Dehumanizing others never leads to self-acceptance and love, just as true self-love and acceptance never leads to the dehumanization of others.

If I am triggered by a trans person simply for existing, then I know it’s time to look within, to shine a light on those places inside that are still bound to conditioned beliefs regarding gender, masculinity, femininity, and whatever else has me locked into a close-minded way of being. My mind is often ready to judge gender non-conforming people, especially male-presenting people who dress or act more effeminately. I’m not proud of this, but I’m not ashamed of this either, because I understand that my mind is deeply conditioned around gender and masculinity. I see how afraid my mind is of change. My commitment is to not be influenced in my words and actions by the bigoted ideas of my mind. I don’t see any of my mind’s transphobic or homophobic thoughts as true. I see them as a product of fear, and conditioning, and insecurity. I will not live my life ruled by these forces.

All this to say: like our governments, our minds are lying to us much of the time, about ourselves and each other. When we’re aware of this, we’ve got a better chance at not believing the bullshit, and not projecting our bullshit onto one another.

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Like some of you reading this, I’ve struggled with the idea of trans women in women’s sports. Based on the $215 million in anti-trans ads focused on this supposed issue, and the amount of time politicians spend fretting about trans women in sports, and the relentless news coverage related to this subject, it’s no surprise that many see this as a real issue. Until you realize it’s not; that we’ve been played. I was surprised to learn that, according to NCAA President Charlie Baker, of the 510,000 NCAA athletes, fewer than 10 are transgender. Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill, and yet an entire community is being vilified and harmed because of the focus on this non-issue.

There are, however, very real issues facing women’s sports — inequitable funding, subpar facilities, lower prize money and salaries, scholarship inequities, gender bias in coaching and leadership roles — and not one of these issues has anything to do with transgender athletes. Not one.

We’d all be served by actually listening to one another with more openness, empathy and compassion.

I’m not trans, and I cannot relate to the experience of being trans, so rather than project my ignorance or discomfort with certain aspects of the trans reality, which serves nothing and no one, I understand that it’s best for me to stay open and listen to actual trans people about their lived experience. Replace trans with any other community my mind is inclined to condemn, and the same truth holds. It is the height of ignorance to believe we know better about a specific community than the community itself knows. And it’s the kind of ignorance that leads to dangerous realities for said community. Just look at what’s going on in our country.

Trans people experience numerous debilitating hardships at higher rates than the general public: suicide and suicidal ideation; discrimination in healthcare; limited access to gender-affirming care; workplace discrimination which leads to employment and financial instability; physical violence and hate crimes, especially against trans women of color; legal and bureaucratic challenges; housing discrimination and homelessness. Virtually all areas of life are made more difficult for anyone who identifies as transgender. Just living as a trans person is profoundly more difficult because of our collective fear and bigotry.

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I encourage us all, especially when we find ourselves bound to disparaging beliefs about a specific community, to do a little homework, to imagine we have to make the opposite argument from what we believe, and then get about finding facts and lived experiences that we can use to make such an argument. At the very least this practice will help open our minds to alternate views. It will also help to curb some of the ignorance we (all of us, to some degree) keep vomiting all over each other.

I’ll leave you all with these words from the wise and compassionate poet, comedian and teacher, ALOK:

The world’s discomfort with difference is not a problem with us; it is a problem with the world. When you make yourself visible, when you stand proudly in your skin, in your gender, in your existence, the world will tell you you're wrong, but you must remember that their discomfort does not mean you are the problem. It only means they’re not yet ready to expand their understanding of what it means to be human.

Such powerful words. Aren’t we all, in our own ways, trying to figure out what it means to be human? It’s not necessary, along the journey to discovery, to dehumanize and vilify others who are doing the same.

The way to co-create a world that is more compassionate and loving is to commit ourselves to being more compassionate and loving. There’s no other way. Love begets love just as bigotry begets bigotry, hate begets hate. What are you interested in begetting?

Sending so much love to all of you, and a special dose to any trans and non-binary folks reading this. You are seen and appreciated and admired and loved by so many of us. Thank you for shining your light.

Big love…Scott

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Here are a handful of resources if you feel called to connect with people or organizations supporting the trans community. Please share your own resources as well.

Charlotte Clymer’s newsletter, Charlotte’s Web Thoughts: Charlotte is a trans writer, Christian, military veteran and progressive activist who writes thoughtfully about a host of subjects, including trans rights.

Point of Pride: Our mission is to help the most vulnerable members of our community feel seen and supported through access to life-saving health and wellness services.

Stand with Trans: Stand with Trans empowers and supports transgender youth and their loved ones. Our vision is a world where gender diverse youth are validated and celebrated.

Ruth Ellis Center: I wanted to give a shout out to this local Detroit organization, founded in 1999. The center’s mission is to create opportunities with LGBTQ+ young people to build their vision for a positive future.

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