What to do with holiday dread.

Or Valentine's or birthday or hard anniversary dread...

Photo by Matt Duncan on Unsplash

Hi Friends,

I remembered an essay I wrote here last October that I thought might be helpful as we move into the December holidays. I wish I had thought to share this prior to Thanksgiving, but better late than never. It was originally titled The Past is Not the Future. Here’s hoping this perspective helps.

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The holidays are just around the corner, and that can be a difficult time for a lot of people. Perhaps you’re one of them. I’d like to offer a different perspective around approaching the times of year, or specific dates, that tend to incite in us a lot of anxiety or dread.

In my family, September has long been a dreaded month. We lost both my parents to murder on September 16th, 1985, and then nine years later lost my brother to a heroin overdose on September 14th. For years I would enter the month with foreboding, and often spend many days of September feeling sad and uneasy. My siblings have had a similar experience. I had accepted that this was just the way it was, given the tragic circumstances that had occurred. September is a tough month for me, I’d repeated to myself and others each year it would could around. But did it have to be?

I had a fantastic September this year. I traveled a little, spent quality time with friends and in nature, and generally felt good and relaxed. I thought about my parents and brother, especially on the days of their deaths, but not in a heavy way. This wasn’t the first September in these past decades that felt light and easy, and though the sum total of pleasant Septembers is definitely in the minority, most of the last several have not at all been mired in sadness and unease.

As you well know if you’ve been following my work, I believe everything is energy, and that energy tends to attract like energy. Several years ago I stopped setting myself up for a miserable September. I stopped declaring September as a tough month before it even happened and no longer bound myself to the story that it would be so. I began to allow the month to be whatever it was, without clinging to my expectations that it would be terrible.

In reality, we have no idea what the future holds, even when the past has held the same story for years or decades. The past does not automatically determine the future. To state right now that these upcoming holidays, for example, are going to be difficult because they generally have been is to give tangible energy to the creation of a reality we don’t want to happen. We don’t have to do that. I came to see the ways in which I was influencing how September played out each year by expecting it to be hard instead of allowing it simply to be, or even better, bringing intention to the possibility of it unfolding in a beautiful way. Telling myself a different story about September’s potential and thereby inviting the month to rewrite itself as well.

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I’m not suggesting we reframe difficult anniversaries, holidays or seasons from a place of denial but from a place of openness to creating new realities, to writing new stories. Ten years of miserable Valentine’s Days does not automatically portend an eleventh year of misery, and especially if we’re willing to open ourselves to the possibility of a great VDay, and take intentional actions to make it so, even if we end up spending it alone.

To be clear, just because we go into, say, the holidays with a new outlook on what’s possible doesn’t necessarily mean they won’t end up being just as difficult as they have been in the past. Along with being intentional about rewriting our expectations, it can be incredibly helpful to be proactive before the holidays arrive and outline how it is we’re going to take extra good care of ourselves once they do. If the holidays have tended to be a lonely time of year, what choices can you make that might ease some of the loneliness? Are there friends or family you can set up phone dates with, or in-person dates if you live in the same area? Are there events, or talks, or workshops to which you can get tickets that will keep you connected to art, and personal development, and community during the season? A Google search will help you find any number of free options online if budget is a concern.

Ask yourself the question, How can I bring more peace, and joy, and connection to the holidays this year? Or to Valentine’s Day, if that’s the tough one for you. Or to the anniversary of a loved one’s death. Again, not to deny the difficulty of the experience, but to open ourselves to a more expansive possibility within it. A question that begins with How can I…automatically invites in your creativity and imagination and moves you toward the likelihood of creating something new. How can I… says Yes I can, and let me consider the ways.

I’m no longer willing to set myself up for the future I don’t want by convincing myself that’s the future I’m going to get. Neither am I willing to believe the traumatic events of my past irrevocably determine my future. I will not pretend to know what the future holds, nor will I give energy to predictions of doom when all things are possible. I went into September this year feeling good and hopeful and open to the month being beautiful. Even if it had ended up being a hard month, at least I would have given myself an August filled with possibility instead of dread. That counts for something.

We are more powerful than we realize with the thoughts we think and the actions we take. Why not direct that power toward creating as much peace, joy and connection in our lives as possible? And being so gentle and loving with ourselves when, for whatever reason, peace, joy and connection just aren’t possible.

Sending you all so much love and gratitude,

Scott

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Upcoming Offerings:

Online Breathwork returns this Wednesday, December 6th, at 5pm PST / 8pm EST. So excited to be bringing this powerful practice back. Join me.

Enough as You Are: Turning Self-judgment into Self-love workshop on Sunday, December 10th. It all starts with our relationship to ourselves. Join me.

Signed and Personalized copies of my books — Enough as You Are, Big Love, and Just Love — are available for order through my website here.