What do you see when you look in the mirror?

Reflecting on body image and the bogus beauty standard.

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I don’t remember where or about whom, but a few years ago I read an interview with a woman who had struggled her entire life with her weight, had fallen prey to the conditioning we all experience (at least in the U.S.) about bigger bodies, and had grown to hate herself because she was fat. Like so many people, she had spent considerable time, energy and money trying to make herself thin, all to no avail. She eventually resigned herself to her larger body, but not to hating herself because of it.

She began a practice each day of looking at pictures of confident fat women, some naked, others in lingerie or bathing suits, still others in form-fitting dresses and gowns, all of whom seemed not just free and unapologetic, but sexy and celebratory of their bodies. She filled her social media timelines with these images. If I remember correctly, the woman, at first, because her conditioning and self-hatred were so strong, recoiled at the sight of women her size flaunting their fat bodies. It’s wild how we can judge, rather than celebrate others for being at peace with themselves in ways we wish we could be. Then she noticed her attitude begin to shift. She got taken in by the confidence of these women, by the way in which they celebrated their curves (which resembled her own), and started to see them as beautiful and sexy. Eventually, she opened herself to the possibility that her body, as it was, could also be beautiful, and even sexy. That she was in fact already beautiful.

Over time, she augmented her wardrobe and began to wear clothing that hugged, not hid her curves, and she started sharing new photos of herself to social media, bold and smiling for a change. I know there was something in the interview about sex and love, and I remember it being positive, but I don’t recall the details. It’s safe to assume her newfound confidence magnetized others in a way her self-loathing never could. That’s how energy works.

I remember the story had a happy ending, but not a perfect one (what story does?). Though her practice of admiring full-figured women and her commitment to seeing her body as beautiful helped her transcend some of the conditioning and self-loathing she had learned, she still had moments in the mirror that were anything but loving. She still succumbed at times to the overt messaging of magazines, billboards, TV and movies that proclaimed you had to be thin to be beautiful. She still compared herself to the skinny, airbrushed models she saw in all forms of media and felt unattractive, and less than, when doing so.

Can you relate? I know I can.

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There’s no question the conditioning around physical appearance is much more cruel and intense for women, but the insanity of the beauty standard, and the machines working to perpetuate it, affect us all.

How is your relationship with your physical appearance? What do you think about your looks? How about your body? What statements are you likely to say to yourself when you look in the mirror?

Here’s some of my internal dialogue when I’m standing naked in front of the mirror: I wish my legs weren’t so skinny; Ugh, those wrinkles on my neck are ugly; I can’t believe I’m already getting an old man’s ass; Should I get Invisalign for my crooked front teeth?; I wish I weren’t so gray; I really am as hairy as an ape.

Now, I say a lot of nice things to myself, too, but for the sake of this essay, let’s focus on the insecure, conditioned voice. When I finally embraced being bald, after years of shame and hiding underneath baseball caps, the main focus of my body insecurity became my hairy back. Into and throughout my adulthood, I rarely took my shirt off in public, even around my siblings, and if I did was always aware of my back and how others might judge me as ugly because of it. I felt ugly because of it.

After reading that interview with the heavy woman, I became inspired. I searched out extra hairy men, confident in their bearish bodies, and made a point of looking at their pictures and connecting to the confidence and sexiness with which they expressed themselves. It made a difference. I’d been conditioned to see hairy backs as ugly, and yet these men were owning their body hair and looking sexy as hell in the process. (Over the years, I’ve come to discover that many gay men love back hair, and I appreciate that, but our internal criticisms tend to trump the external praise we may receive for certain aspects of our appearance. Bottom line: the work of loving ourselves is ours alone.)

I still shave my back sometimes (usually in the summer) and let the werewolf come out other times. I still feel insecure in moments, and less so in others. It’s not a perfect ending. If I could snap my fingers and clear all the hair off my back forever, I would do it. Even though I know it’s ridiculous to judge any aspect of my physical appearance as ugly, just because some part of me has bought into a manufactured idea of what is attractive.

That’s one of the most frustrating aspects of being human: not always being able to align our intuitive understanding with how we actually feel.

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I believe there’s value in seeing any societal beauty standard for what it is: absolute bullshit. No one gets to determine what is considered beautiful for another individual, let alone an entire society. The beauty industry profits by fostering insecurity in women especially, and then offering them just the miracle product to make them more beautiful. It’s insane. When we acknowledge just how conditioned we’ve been to contort ourselves into very specific versions of beauty, and then shame and reject ourselves for not meeting them, we can grow in self-compassion. The conditioning is not our fault, and no one can withstand the beauty standard assault without, on some level, feeling less than (even ugly at times) because of it.

Even with this awareness, I don’t expect to transcend all my conditioning around physical appearance. I accept I may not ever be able to look in the mirror and honestly like all that I see. And that’s okay. Not ideal, but okay. What I can do, however, is be gentle with myself, no matter how I’m viewing my appearance. I can remove any expectation about where I think I should be in relation to my appearance, and bring as much acceptance and grace to where I actually am. The practice of self-love runs much deeper than finding ourselves physically attractive, as we are, which may be wildly difficult for many of us. Self-love asks us to be kind to ourselves, no matter how we view our looks and body. Self-love says to us, in our inability to transcend all of our conditioning, it’s okay honey, you’re human.

I think we spiritual, self-help, personal empowerment types especially can be hyper-critical of where we actually are on the path to self-realization, versus where we imagine ourselves being. We think we should be more evolved than we are and then shame ourselves for not being so. It’s not helpful. We all want to find ourselves beautiful exactly as we are, but can we love the parts of ourselves that aren’t able to do so? Can we accept the parts of ourselves that aren’t able to accept certain parts of ourselves? That’s real acceptance. Boundless grace. Profound self-love.

And yes, I believe we can offer that to ourselves, little by little or a lot by a lot, with willingness, practice and commitment.

There’s no reason to hate ourselves, not even for hating ourselves. It’s all so human, and the more acceptance we can bring to our humanity, even when we’re not being kind to ourselves, the more peace we naturally create in our lives. One of the greatest gifts I’ve come to discover is my unlimited capacity to love myself, even when I’m not able to like parts of myself. Love says yes to all of it; it says I love you, no matter what.

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To be clear, I write all this not to suggest it’s impossible to transcend our conditioning about beauty, but to acknowledge it’s unlikely for many of us. For most of us, I suspect. It seems to get easier with age, and I also had an aunt who was dieting into her eighties, so who knows. We’ve been buried under this conditioning for a lifetime and are assaulted with more of it daily. We aren’t powerless, though.

As you likely know by now, I believe in the power of steering our thoughts and words, as long as we’re steering them some place that feels honest. I don’t see much benefit in standing in front of the mirror and repeating to myself I love my hairy back if what I’m feeling at the time is I don’t like my hairy back. There’s a conflict there, and the truth of how I feel carries a stronger energetic signature than the words I speak. That’s why affirmations don’t work for a lot of people; we’re affirming something we don’t believe to be true, and it often leads to us feeling even worse about ourselves. In these moments of self-criticism, we can however come up with honest statements that take us out of the abusive thoughts and into more helpful ones.

Instead of I wish I were skinnier or I’m too fat or I hate my body, how about I have been conditioned to see only certain types of bodies as healthy and beautiful and am willing to love my body, no matter its size, even if that’s not something I’m able to do in this moment. I get that’s a mouthful, but it interrupts the cycle of self-abuse and connects us to a genuine willingness to love our bodies, and ourselves. It feels honest. And if it doesn’t, find a statement that does.

Instead of I can’t believe how old I’m looking, how about I have been conditioned to obsess over youthfulness and am willing to recognize my aging appearance as not only natural but beautiful (even if that’s not something I’m able to do in this moment).

You get the picture. Use whatever words feels best and most honest to you, but get in the habit of directing your thoughts away from self-abuse to statements that feel at the very least neutral. This is within your power. This practice stops us from berating ourselves and moves us in the direction of acceptance.

I’d love to hear some of your before and after statements in the comments, so don’t be shy. They will no doubt be helpful for all of us.

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Obviously there’s much more to life than our external appearance, and yet our relationship with our looks and body can tend to dominate a lot of our thinking. One moment we’re consumed with the possibility of World War III, and the next we’re obsessing over a new wrinkle. In one click we’re supporting our favorite non-profit, and the next we’re ordering a maca-infused miracle mask. We’ll be in relationship with our looks and body for the entirety of our lives, so we may as well build the healthiest relationship we can.

As with everything I seem to write about, it all comes back to self-love. It is the base note through which we create much of our reality. No matter where you’ve been in your relationship to yourself, it’s never too late to grow in self-love. It’s what you do from this moment on that matters the most. It will always be what you do from this moment on that matters the most. What great possibilities live in this truth.

I’m holding a deep prayer that we may all continue to become aware of our conditioning, and transcend it, day by day, until we find ourselves clear and alive like never before, awakened at last to our true freedom. And until then, that we may be gentle with ourselves about everything, and remind ourselves continuously that we are okay, and loved, and human.

I love you and thank you for being here.

Scott

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I keep forgetting to mention that my dear friend Jacob Nordby and I have a podcast called Hey Jacob, Hi Scott. We talk about being human in this wild and unpredictable reality. We get deep, and have fun. If you’re liking this newsletter, and you enjoy podcasts, there’s a good chance you’ll like ours. You can find it wherever you listen to your podcasts.

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