We are all us and all them.

Let's rewrite the story of separation.

Hi Friends,

I had planned to send out a different email today, about our compulsion for safety at all costs, and the power and possibility that live in each step beyond our comfort zones. I’ll write more about that at some point, but this morning I keep thinking about how disconnected we can be from our hearts when we consider others, especially those who believe different things or make different choices than we do.

I would have counted myself among the most judgmental and self-righteous for many years, especially when I was coming in to a deeper understanding of my spirituality. When I found my former guru and gave myself over to the cult he’d created, I pitied/judged everyone who wasn’t walking his path, who didn’t, in my estimation, understand the importance of enlightenment and the means of discovering it. I shake my head when I think about myself then, but with compassion for a younger me who didn’t know any better.

Of course, I’ve judged people for a host of other reasons, too. I’ve deemed myself better than, or kinder than, or more moral than, or far less evil than. Our minds are masters at separation, at creating an us vs. them scenario, and at turning the us into the righteous ones and the them into the evil-doers. We can cast our gaze on any controversial issue (and there are many) and see in plain sight the self-righteousness and condemnation on both sides. We are right and they are wrong. We are good and they are bad. We are clean and they are unclean.

What exactly does this way of reflecting on one another do for the collective? How exactly does it move us toward any prospect of healing?

I’m not gonna fasten on my rainbow angel wings and declare “we all just need to love each other and everything would be okay,” though obviously the desire — no, commitment — to loving one another would certainly improve our chances of healthier communication and healing. But no, that’s not what I feel called to say here.

What if we could at least acknowledge that it’s impossible to know how we would react if we were walking in another’s shoes? It’s easy for me to look at a politician whose actions I find reprehensible and declare I would never make the choices that he has made. But the truth is, I don’t know. I haven’t lived his life, haven’t experienced his traumas, can’t begin to imagine all the experiences that have led him to do and say the things I find so abhorrent. How can I truthfully say, had I walked in his shoes, I wouldn’t have arrived at the same place? I can’t, so I’m working hard at remembering this, and being much more compassionate. With everyone.

For many of you reading this, the idea of showing compassion for “evil-doers” sends a chill up your spine. I know this, because a part of me feels that way too. It’s the part of me that still gets lost in the falseness of separation. The part of me (my mind) that doesn’t want to acknowledge the humanity in those who act in what I perceive to be inhumane ways. The part of me that wants to be right and needs others to be wrong in order to do so.

I just don’t see how it helps anything. It doesn’t feel good, emotionally or physically, to turn others into enemies. It doesn’t create bridges to any possibility for deeper connection. It doesn’t solve any of the myriad problems we’ve collectively created for ourselves and our planet. So what’s the point of playing into this false notion of separation? What good does it do? Why wouldn’t we give our energy to creating something else? A different story, perhaps.

And to be clear, deciding another human being deserves compassion, even when they’re showing up in what I perceive to be a deeply problematic way, doesn’t in any way mean I condone their behavior or necessarily want them in my life. It means I’m willing to recognize the depth of my own humanity in order to acknowledge theirs. It means I’m willing to see us both as worthy human beings, and am open to discovering what can be created in our world from this vantage point.

There are many forces pushing the separation agenda, the us vs them mentality. The media, social media, the government, our egos. It’s the human default, to other those we don’t agree with, those who look or act or think differently. But we — each one of us — are in control of how we decide to view each other, and I’ve learned, time and again, how I view others reflects directly on how I view myself.

The Buddha said, If you truly loved yourself you could never hurt another. When we are so steeped in self-love, that’s all we have to offer the world in return. How could that ever be anything but a positive choice? I wasn’t expecting this to come around to self-love, but of course it has. It’s the starting point, the foundation from which we speak, and act, and live our lives. Our world needs us to love each other, which means our world needs us to love ourselves.

I’d like to end with a challenge for all of us. The moment we find ourselves ready to declare we would never do the thing someone else has done, let’s stop and get really honest with ourselves whether that’s true or not. Can we honestly, if we were living their life and had their myriad experiences, say we wouldn’t have made the same choice? I can’t imagine how an honest answer could land on yes, because we don’t know what we can’t know. Maybe this one practice will get us in the habit of being more compassionate, bringing more grace to our interactions with each other.

Nothing is going to change for the better until we change how we are connecting with one another. Let’s retire the story of separation that serves nothing and no one. At the very least, let’s consider other stories. Let’s work at writing new stories. One person at a time, one page at a time. Not because we’re living in the clouds, but because we’re living in this reality and aware that how we’re living is destroying it.

I’ve long said and will continue to believe that we are powerful beyond measure when united in love. In love there is no separation. Only union. Only hope. Only possibility. Let’s see what we can create there.

Wishing you all so much love,

Scott

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