There is room for you in this world.

You are not too much, and you are enough.

Photo by Amer Mughawish on Unsplash

Hi Friends,

Do you ever feel like you’re too much? Or not enough? Or like no matter how hard you try you struggle to fit in?

I spent last week in a breathwork training with thirty-three others, a collection of beautiful healers and artists with whom I feel grateful to have connected and excited to see where some of those connections lead. I felt embraced by the group, seen and accepted for who I am, and still I had moments of insecurity, some when I felt like I was too much, and others when I was not enough.

It’s disconcerting how quickly my mind can distort reality and turn what was just moments before a lovely experience into yet another reason to feel like an outsider. It’s an old, old story — I’m an outcast who will never truly belong — rooted at least in part in growing up gay and being orphaned at fourteen, two circumstances that had me feeling like a freak, like someone who would never truly fit in.

I suspect most of you can reflect on your own experiences that have led you to believe you don’t belong. Maybe an adult in your life was always telling you to be quiet, that you were just too much, and you’ve carried that feeling into your adulthood, often playing small to avoid seeming too big. Or maybe you were ignored and generally dismissed, and you have locked into a belief that you don’t matter, that you are not enough, and you move through the world steeped in these insecurities. We naturally long for belonging and yet are conditioned to limit our authentic expression in order to accommodate a norm into which we don’t fit and most likely don’t want to.

Our minds are tricky. In their compulsion to run the show, they feed us with ideas about ourselves that are not only debilitating but untrue. If one person tells us we’re too much, our minds convince us we’re too much for everyone, for the world. Our minds will do whatever it takes to keep us out of our hearts, where our minds have no control, which is why we need to challenge untruthful thoughts as they present themselves, and without going to war with our minds in the process. We need to be intentional about recognizing our minds’ lies and not giving our energy to them. It takes practice and it is entirely possible to get damn good at it.

If you’re like me, you get lost sometimes in the lie there’s no room for what you, in your authenticity, have to offer our world. So you end up not offering yourself. You end up hiding too many parts of yourself, always playing small.

I shared the following to social media recently:

Yes, there will always be room for you here, and rest assured, some will not jibe with who you are and what you have to say. Some will misunderstand you, while others may understand you perfectly well and simply not like you, for whatever reason. Please remember that all of this has nothing to do with you, not really. We can never own another person's response to our truth. We can only own our willingness to express ourselves honestly, and to do so with as much courage and love as possible.

Let’s try not to limit ourselves, our authentic expression, because of fear of being judged or criticized or made fun of. We are judged and criticized and made fun of no matter how we choose to present ourselves to the world. That's one of the less fun parts of being human.

And yes, it's true that if you keep quiet and blend in or hide yourself completely, you won't attract as much attention or judgment from others. (People are always more comfortable with those who stay silent.) But, and this is a big BUT, when you hide yourself behind your fears, when you live in a whisper when you were born to sing, you don't begin to invite the same kinds of possibilities, or the same incredible connections that come with living your life out loud. Not fearless, but brave just the same. So committed to being yourself that you forget how to be anyone else. More than anything, free.

---

I’m interested in belonging, but not so much in fitting in. Fitting in feels like a desperate desire of the mind, one that has us contorting ourselves away from our truth and into some limited expression of conditioning and expectation. The need to fit in often compels us to deny or lie about who we are and in turn attracts people into our lives who are responding to the false version we’ve presented. There’s very little fulfillment in that.

The desire to belong, deep within all of us, offers a different invitation. As Brené Brown succinctly stated, True belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are. When you live in your truth, those you magnetize into your life are responding to the real you. The love and acceptance you feel from these connections tend to be wildly fulfilling, and energizing, and true.

Of course, as much as I long for belonging with others, I’m even more interested in true belonging with myself. Being intentional with self-love is the most direct pathway I’ve found to this kind of belonging. Being in continuous relationship with my heart, my inner being, with Source that created all things. When we belong to ourselves, with compassion and love, we are much more likely to recognize our belonging to the world. To nature, to our loved ones, to humanity and divinity in general. Everything feels different and better through the lens of self-love.

---

Spending last week with the breathwork crew reminded me again how important community is to me, how deeply satisfying it feels to belong with a group of people who are committed to their healing, and to sharing their gifts and love with our world.

The following is one of the most popular pieces of writing I’ve ever shared to social media and speaks to our collective longing and appreciation for community, for connection:

They’re out there, these people. This doesn't mean it's necessarily going to be easy to find your chosen family, if you’re still searching. It rarely is. But, if we're not experiencing the kinds of connections we really want and need in our lives, it's worth checking in with ourselves to see what effort we're making in creating them. I have longed for deeper connections many times in my life, only to recognize I was doing virtually nothing to find them.

When I moved to Santa Fe last November, one of my biggest intentions was to find community here. And slowly, but surely, I’ve been doing it. I’ve connected with some beautiful souls who have already become dear friends. Family, really. I’m continuing to support this intention by not hiding in my casita all day. I’ll meet people for coffee, or a hike, or just pack up my computer and spend hours in cafes to be around other Santa Feans.

Intention without action is just wishful thinking.

If it’s not easy for you, for whatever reason, to get out in the world to meet people, there’s this thing called the internet. True, it’s part nightmare shitshow. It’s also a universe available for real connection, if we choose for it to be. I’ve met several of my current good friends online. How about you? So much energy gets focused on the nastiness of the internet, we forget about the beauty that happens here. If you like, share a positive online connection you’ve made and let’s give energy to those possibilities, too.

---

I suspect a part of my mind will always try to convince me I’m an outcast, that I’m too much or not enough, that no matter what I do I won’t belong. Sometimes, like last week in moments, I’m sure I’ll buy into it. Mostly, I won’t. I’ll remind myself my mind is just doing what minds do, mistaking itself for an asshole, and I’ll continue to be intentional in my relationship with myself and with others.

If the focus on all the division among us, and the pain it causes, has served us in a positive way, it’s that it has centered us in our longing for connection. We suffer when we feel divided because we know we are here to connect, to find community, to play with our chosen families.

There are nearly eight billion people on this planet. Surely there are many many many out there with whom we can be ourselves, who will see, accept and love us for who we are. I encourage us all to keep seeking until we find them, until we discover the ones who let us know, in their words and actions, that there will always be room for us here.

At the same time, I encourage us all to continue on our path of self-love, so that we become for ourselves a true and compassionate friend, one who sees and loves us as we are, for whom we can never be too much and are always, always enough.

Wishing you all a beautiful weekend and so much love,

Scott

---

Friends, there are several ways to support my work financially, if you have the desire and can afford to do so. Thank you!

You can buy signed and personalized copies of my books, Just Love and/or Big Love through my website (only available in the US at this time). They make beautiful gifts for someone you love. I promise to write something lovely.

---

You can get a paid subscription to this newsletter for $7/month or $70/year. Whether you are here with a free or paid subscription, you have access to all the same content. Paid subscribers do get significant discounts to most of my individual workshops, though. If it’s within your budget, I appreciate you considering a paid subscription.

---

You can gather a group of friends and book me for a private online or in-person workshop, where we dive into whatever topics and questions you want to explore. This is a new offering and one I’m very excited about. You don’t have to wait for me to announce a workshop and hope the timing is right. We can agree on a date and take it from there.

---

I appreciate your support of my work just by being here. It means so much. Thank you!

Remember: You are beautiful. You are worthy. You are loved. As you are.