Living beyond our fear of being judged.
True belonging demands authentic expression.
Hi Friends,
A few weeks before my book Big Love came out I started to panic. I played through my mind all the truths about myself I’d revealed. One insecurity after another laid out for all to read. Bad habits, ugly behavior, (previously) silent shames. When it was just my editor reading these admissions I slept fine. When it was soon to be anyone who wanted to, reading them, I sweat through my sheets.
I didn’t feel ashamed, but I did feel embarrassed, and uneasy. One chapter in particular, Middle Seat, had me most nervous. In it, I wrote about an experience I had years ago on a flight, during which I was seated next to an extremely heavy man, and the judgments that played through my mind about him because of his weight. I shared the story to highlight the conditioned biases we grow up with about one another, and how important it is to reflect on our judgments and their origins, and I used a less-evolved version of myself as an example of how not to be.
I worried some would read that chapter and focus less on the call to end fat-shaming and more on the person (me) who thought ugly things about the heavy man sitting next to him on the plane. My worry was realized by at least one person, a reader who had received an advanced copy of the book and wrote to me about how disappointed she was in that chapter, how it had brought her to tears. That email really saddened me and obviously added to the anxiety I was feeling about Big Love’s publication day. Yes, I was a mess of nerves those few weeks before the book released. I was living inside my fear of being judged.
The fear of being judged was nothing new for me, as I’m sure it’s not for you. Most of us live a good part of our lives connecting to that fear. We say and do things we don’t want to say and do, and we don’t say and do things we want to say and do, all to avoid being judged. We pretend to like what we don’t like, and pretend to dislike what we like, to avoid being judged. We hide our quirks and accentuate our conformity or, depending on the company, accentuate our quirks and hide our conformity, to avoid being judged. We don’t express our creativity, don’t set boundaries, don’t ask questions, don’t give honest answers, all to avoid being judged by others. It’s exhausting.
And here’s the (not so) secret: You will be judged regardless. Really. No matter what you say or do, no matter how you choose to show up for your life, you will be judged by some people. There’s no avoiding it. This truth can feel debilitating, but it can also be liberating. If you know you’ll be judged by some no matter what you do, why not do what you feel called to do? Why not say what you feel called to say? It’s not like judgment is doled out conservatively, only for the most egregious actions. We’re vomiting our judgment all over each other all the time. Such freedom lives in this disappointing truth, if we let it. An invitation to be real, and honest.
We only get to experience the joy of living in our honesty when we actually find the courage to live in it. And it’s an immeasurable joy to beget.
I think the fear of judgment is so strong in most of us because we are all so desperate to belong. We want to be seen, and loved, and accepted. I know I do. But what exactly are we belonging to if we’re not willing to express the most honest version of ourselves? I want to belong to a family, a community, an organization that accepts who I am as well as who I am not. Brené Brown, in her book, Braving the Wilderness, writes, “True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.”
True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are. Yes. That’s it.
We are conditioned from such a young age to contort ourselves into a tight box of familial, societal, religious and governmental expectations, and we carry too many aspects of that conditioning into our adulthood. Imagine if the one mandate you were given as a child was to be who you are. Imagine being taught to express, rather than repress, the fullness of your authenticity, no matter how others receive it. Most of us weren’t brought up that way, nor have we evolved into that way of being. Yet. Why not begin right now? Let’s commit to be who we are right now.
Brené Brown goes on to write, “Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”
How can we grow to accept ourselves if we’re not willing to be ourselves? Who is it we’re trying to accept then, a portrait painted by the expectations of others, by our relentless fear of being judged? This doesn’t work and it never will. Truth is born on the inside, not molded from the outside. Yes, we’re all to some degree afraid of being judged. And yes, we’re all imbued with the courage to be ourselves despite that fear. We just have to choose to be courageous. One thought, one word, one action at a time.
It sometimes helps me to remember, as judgmental as we all are, we also tend to be much more concerned with ourselves than with anyone else. As Eleanor Roosevelt wisely said, “You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.” And, what others think about us is not our issue, or responsibility, or within our control. Let this understanding be one more reason for us to live as honestly as possible. Let us acknowledge our fear of judgment whenever it presents itself and stay committed to the new mandate by which we’ve chosen to live: be who you are.
Again and again and again, be who you are.
Big and Bigger Love,
Scott
Join me on Saturday, January 22nd, for a two-hour workshop called The Power of Intention. As the title suggests, we are going to look at how focused intention and visualization can create powerful changes in our lives. It’s the first of several workshops I’m planning to offer for free to all paid subscribers of my Substack, so now is a great time to upgrade to a paid subscription. Go HERE for details and registration.
In February, I’ll be one of many wonderful teachers as part of Heal + Create, a two-week virtual retreat dedicated to personal transformation, healing and creative living. Go HERE for details and registration. Early bird rates are underway right now!
