Honesty moves a relationship forward.
Even if forward means going your separate ways.
Hi Friends,
My three sisters are coming for a visit in a couple days (so excited!) and I have a lot of cleaning and grocery shopping to do to get ready, so I’m sending this out even though it’s disjointed and far from polished. Now that you have low expectations, read on. And be sure to look at the event listings at the end, as I’m starting, among other things, a Tuesday night online Breath & Belonging gathering next week. I’m all about the breath these days, my friends. And love, of course. Always love.
First, take a deep breath and repeat out loud the following: I invite and receive into my life connections and experiences rooted in joy, acceptance and love. Say it again, or something like it, and feel the power of the invitation you’re putting into the world. Each day, take a moment or two or five, and breathe life into exactly what it is, and who it is, you want to invite and receive into your reality.
Then, take another deep breath and repeat some version of the following: I release all stories and blocks that don’t serve the creation of connections and experiences rooted in joy, acceptance and love. I am worthy as I am, to give and receive love, to share my gifts and open myself to the gifts of others. I am enough, I am enough, I am enough.
As always, use words that feel most true to you. If you can’t honestly say I am worthy, try I am willing to recognize my worthiness. If I release feels too strong, go with I am willing to release. The point is to give energy to our intentions, and to the power within us to realize our intentions. I promise you this: you are mightier than you realize (even if you realize you’re pretty damn mighty).
I was scrolling through a document of thoughts (some shared, some not) and found a few pieces of writing that complement each other. At least in my head they do.
I shared the following to social media a few months back:
It's possible a person doesn't have time to spend with you, but it's more likely they are choosing not to make time to spend with you. That choice may be coming from the fact that they are very busy and need to be especially selective with their free time. They may really like you, but would rather hang out with Kyle or Jessica if given the choice. Or, maybe they like you, sure, but not so much they're dying to hang out any time soon. For them it might be easier to say "let's get together" than to acknowledge that they probably never will. There are any number of reasons why a person may not be making time for you, but they all fall under the umbrella of "they're not making time for you." If that's something that makes you sad or frustrated, maybe it's time to acknowledge you're continuing to hope for or expect something that isn't happening. And may never happen. Maybe it's best to put your energy somewhere else, at the very least into people who reciprocate your level of interest and not only get excited by the prospect of hanging out with you, but actually make the time to do it.
I’ve been on every side of this scenario. It's tough to accept that someone may not be as excited to spend time with you as you are with them, or may genuinely not have much time, but it's also liberating to accept this, if it's true. As is said, where attention goes, energy flows. Why not become more intentional about where and to whom our attention is going?
We can expend a lot of energy expecting someone to show up differently than how they are, and then get frustrated when they don’t do so. I have too often projected my expectations onto others and then condemned them for not becoming the fictional characters I alone had created.
It’s not even about the other person, not really; it’s about where we’re choosing to put our energy and how it’s feeling to do so. If something doesn’t feel good to me in a relationship, it’s up to me to communicate what that something is, and to decide, based on the response of the other person, whether or not it’s a relationship to which I want to continue giving my energy, or at least shift the way in which I’m giving it.
The more honest we’re able to be with ourselves, the more honest we’re able to be with others, as long as we’re courageous enough to share what feels true for us. This reminds me of something I wrote a few years ago:
We are so afraid of hurting each other's feelings we don't speak the truth to one another. We spend more time calibrating our words than being honest. And things stay the same. If we want to deepen our relationships, then we’ve got to stop tiptoeing around the surface. We have to find the courage to share the fullness of our truth, with kindness, empathy and compassion, and to trust by doing so, we will invite a more meaningful connection with others and magnetize the people and relationships that will best support our peace and well-being.
Honesty moves a relationship forward, even if forward means going your separate ways.
Speaking of moving a relationship forward and going separate ways, this next piece I wrote several years ago after breaking up with a longtime friend:
The more I learned to love myself, the easier it became to see all the ways in which you were wrong for me. The ways we were wrong for each other. I’d wanted so desperately to make our death your fault that I failed to see the truth of our disconnection. I was blinded by history, and ease, and the convenient lies that hold too many people together long after it’s time for them to part. And so it was with us, time for us to part, to step into a life that no longer included one another. A life without a we. It hurt more than I can bring myself to remember, or maybe that’s just time softening the pain, healing as only years and distance can. As my love for myself grows, my love for you grows too, again, blooming beside acceptance and forgiveness, for all that my mind needs to forgive. My heart broke but never stopped loving, and never started blaming. That was all in my mind. When I think of you now, or see your smile in the face of another, I smile too, with sadness that we are no more, and with gratitude that we ever were.
I’ve had a handful of friendships dissolve (or evolve depending on your take) in disappointing and hurtful ways, and yet with time and distance I’ve learned to view them, mostly, through the lens of gratitude. I say mostly, because my mind sometimes gets lost in the trap of blame. But not usually. Not anymore.
There are few things as important as the relationships we allow into our lives, and yet so many of us continue to give our energy to relationships that feel unhealthy, that deplete rather than uplift us. There are any number of reasons we stay in relationships that don’t feel good, but fear usually forms the foundation of that choice. Which brings us back to honesty.
Can we tell ourselves the truth about the choices we’re making, and how those choices actually feel? From there, can we find the courage to align more of our choices with ones that reflect self-love and self-respect? The answer, of course, is yes we can, if we choose to.
Let’s end this email with some thoughts on self-love. One reason it’s so important to give energy to the relationship we have with ourselves, to commit to loving ourselves no matter what, is because by doing so we don’t allow into our lives the same things we allow when we operate from a place of self-loathing.
A person who understands her worth doesn’t put up with others who disrespect her, doesn’t engage with those who trample her boundaries, doesn’t make time for those who don’t make time for her. The more in love with ourselves we become, the more easily we understand we are enough, and the clearer the example we set of how we desire to be treated. These things happen naturally within the realm of self-love.
And it all starts with a willingness. Are you willing to love yourself? Are you willing to recognize your worthiness? Are you willing to believe you are enough, just as you are?
Let this willingness be the guide by which you make choices in your life. As much as possible, align those choices with a commitment to loving yourself, and there’s no way your life, and your relationships, won’t change for the better. It’s the only possibility.
I love you, and I believe in you.
Big and Bigger Love,
Scott
I’m so excited to begin offering breathwork sessions online on Tuesday evenings, beginning next Tuesday the 26th. We’ll gather via Zoom, do a short meditation, set our intentions and then get to breathing. Go HERE for details. Discounted registration for paid subscribers to this newsletter.
I’ll also be leading in-person breathwork classes in Santa Fe: Mondays from 2-3pm at Santa Fe Community Yoga Center, and Wednesdays from 6-7pm at BODY of Santa Fe. Join me live if you’re in the area.
If you feel called to support my work financially (thank you thank you thank you!), here are some ways to do it:
You can buy signed and personalized copies of my books, Just Love and/or Big Love through my website (only available in the US at this time). They make beautiful gifts for someone you love. I promise to write something lovely.
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You can gather a group of friends and book me for a private online or in-person workshop, where we dive into whatever topics and questions you want to explore. This is a new offering and one I’m very excited about. You don’t have to wait for me to announce a workshop and hope the timing is right. We can agree on a date and take it from there.
It means so much that you’re here. Thank you!
Remember: You are beautiful. You are worthy. You are loved. As you are.
Just forwarded this to my wonderful daughter, who will graduate in a few weeks from a very large university in PA. She has struggled with some relationships with friends over the last four years. This has been very disappointing to her. She has numerous autoimmune diseases (some which arose when she was in high school, and more reared their ugly heads while she was away from home at college). She recently had a seizure (thankfully, she was home on vacation when it happened, and I was in the house). Some of her "friends" haven't provided much support or patience when she's not doing well, and this has been really hurtful. But she's also more mature than most young women her age, as she has had to deal with many burdens that require a higher level of understanding and acceptance. I think this article will be very helpful for my girl. Thank you, Scott - so much.