A recent visit from my mom and dad (who aren't alive).

The veil is thinner than we think.

Photo by Max van den Oetelaar on Unsplash

Hi Friends,

A couple weeks ago I participated in an eight-day healer training with David Elliott, a gifted teacher as humble as he is intuitive. Breathwork was the main focus of the training, along with developing and trusting our intuition, and connecting with Source and the natural world in our lives and our work. It’s not hyperbole to say I’m a changed person from this experience. I’ve also gone from generally interested in to officially obsessed with breathwork and committed to sharing it with many.

When I say breathwork, I’m referring to a specific pranayama breath. Pranayama is a Sanskrit word that means, essentially, breath control. Though Pranayama refers to numerous yogic breathing techniques, during the training we focused on a singular, two-part breath, in and out through the mouth: inhale into the belly, and then the chest, and exhale. It’s that simple. What’s not simple is attempting to describe what can transpire in a breathing session, and though each of the eight sessions I experienced over the course of the week offered wild, profound and unexpected journeys, and healings, there are a few sessions in particular I’d like to write about.

Before I get into said sessions, I want to be clear that I’m not about to make any general statements regarding trauma and healing. I will simply be relaying my experience and my interpretation of it as to relates to my life. If it resonates, beautiful. If not, also beautiful.

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For the past few years, I’ve been praying to have a more direct connection to the non-physical. To spirit guides, angels, and to loved ones who have passed. I’ve long believed in the presence of non-physical energies/entities and have felt supported by them, but from a place of faith more than knowing. I’ve been told by many mediums, channels and other psychic individuals that I’m surrounded by guides, but I haven’t felt a direct connection to them. I don’t hear, see or feel my guides in any clear way. Aside from one experience a few years ago when I suspected my dead mom took over the body of a friend’s mother for a few minutes during a Big Love book event (it wasn’t nearly as creepy as that sounds), I haven’t connected to the spirits of passed loved ones, either.

Until a couple weeks ago.

During my breathwork sessions on days one and two of the training, my mom came by for a visit. Needless to say, I was surprised to see, well, sense her. Her energy was so gentle and loving. Motherly. It felt as though her hands were on my shoulders as I was breathing, supporting the process, excited for the growth and healing it would provide. I could feel her delight that I was aware of her, at last. She let me know she had always been there and would always be here. She smiled and told me there is no separation between my world and hers. I could feel how joyful and at peace she was in her non-physical form. The experience was beyond comforting, and profound. I came out of the session on day two sobbing, overjoyed to have connected with my mom in this way, and to know (not just believe) she is still with me. I also felt overcome with a sense of regret that it has taken me 36 years since her death to feel her in this way.

The regret passed fairly quickly, I’m happy to report, leaving me floating in a sea of wonder and possibility.

On the third day, I connected with my father, who died with my mom when I was fourteen, and whom I mostly hated for the years of my life he was alive. My father paid me very little if any attention. I never felt seen or loved by him. Or even liked, really. Our relationship, or lack thereof, has been one of the biggest wounds I’ve carried throughout my life. I’ve longed to have the experience of a loving dad, and have mourned through the acceptance of not getting that in this lifetime. I forgave my father many years ago for his neglect, when as an adult I came to understand he was a complex human being and not just my father. That forgiveness has helped me feel much more at peace with him, and much less angry about his parenting, but didn’t curb my longing for a loving father-son relationship.

So there was my dead dad, on day three. I felt his presence at the base of my feet, and though I didn’t actually see his human form, I could tell he was smiling and hopping from one foot to another in some lighthearted dance. Unlike my mom, who was practically cradling me during her visit, my dad gave me space. He seemed to know I may not be quite as excited to see him. And then he spoke, though more energetically than with actual words.

His communication to me was clear and went something like this:

I know you carry a lot of pain from our relationship, and I’m sorry for how I showed up as your father on earth. I want you to know you can let it all go, if you choose to. All of the pain, and disappointment, and anger. We can still have a relationship with each other. We can create something new with each other, right now. I am here, always, and I am happy and healed in this non-physical plane. I am no longer holding onto any traumas or stories from my human life, and I promise you that you don’t have to hold onto yours either. Don’t wait until you transition to let go of your pain. I can be the father you want and need. I am here, and I love you.

Yeah, so that happened.

I wasn’t shocked to see my dad because I had seen my mom on the two previous days (along with numerous, joyful cameos from friends who have died over the years), but I was overcome by his words, by our connection. Overcome by the understanding that though he has transitioned, our relationship can not only continue but grow. It’s one thing to believe that those who have passed are still with us; it’s another to experience that belief, to breathe it into a knowing. I came out of that session feeling a deep healing had occurred. That wound I’d been carrying around for a lifetime felt different. Lighter. Healed? I understood I had been making the choice to carry the trauma of his neglect throughout my life, and that I had the power to release it. He made it clear to me I didn’t need to wait until I died to be free of my emotional pain.

I feel compelled to state again I’m not making any general claims about trauma and healing. I’m just sharing my experience. I also have no idea if the healing I’ve felt since that session will last, or if the wound will present itself again in any number of ways moving forward. Growth tends to happen in spirals. What I know right now is that it’s been two weeks to the day since my father showed himself in my breathwork session, and I’ve felt completely at peace with him, and with us, since then. Not only at peace, but empowered in the understanding that perhaps healing deep, old wounds can happen in an instant sometimes. Why would I not stay open to that possibility? And, as powerful, that we can continue to heal and evolve relationships with those who have passed, if we want and choose to. We don’t have to lock ourselves in the dysfunction and trauma that existed while they were living. There are other options.

I should say I do believe when people die they release all the pain and resistance they carried during their lives, which is to say they enter a non-physical state of peace and joy. I believe even those we deemed as monstrous in their human form become loving, awakened entities when they transition. Do I know this for sure? Of course not. But my faith is strong in this belief. And it makes sense to me. It’s this human mind that creates all the insanity here on earth, and not the soul that lives on beyond our bodies.

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I haven’t felt either of my parents with the same intensity since those breathwork sessions, but I have a sense of them around me in a way I’ve never had. It’s like swimming in the ocean after snorkeling; you have a clearer sense of all the fish you can’t see because you have seen them before. I know my folks are there. Rather, here. I know they’re supporting me. I know they’re loving me. I’ve remained committed to a (mostly) daily breathwork practice and have a strong feeling they’ll come by for some more visits. At least I hope so.

I can hear some of you skeptics out there thinking it was probably all in my mind, that my parents didn’t actually visit me. I’m open to that possibility. Can I say for sure that my dead parents actually appeared to me while I was breathing? No, not for sure. I believe they did, though, and I’m also not sure it matters to me if they didn’t. The experiences created healing. I am changed because of those visits, whether my parents initiated those changes, or something within me awoke to a new possibility for my life.

Also, this doesn’t mean my longing for the father-son experience I’ve wanted my entire life has disappeared. I can still feel it. But the longing, at least right now, doesn’t feel connected to the trauma of neglect. It’s not the wound that’s longing; it’s my heart, and my mind. I’m excited to explore what an evolved relationship with my father can look like. Those breathwork sessions showed me how thin the veil really is between our world and the world of the non-physical. It’s almost as though there’s no veil at all. As though our loved ones who pass never actually leave us. I’ve heard that said a million times, and I feel grateful to understand that sentiment differently now.

I lost my parents thirty-six years ago. At only fourteen years old. I could never have dreamed I would find them again at fifty. What a universe we live in. What wild possibilities exist here.

Sending you all so much love, always.

Scott

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How about you? Have you had any experiences with loved ones who have passed? How have they impacted you? Do you believe you have guides, or angels, and do you feel connected to them? I’d love to hear what you feel compelled to share.

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Jacob and I have a new episode of Hey Jacob, Hi Scott out, during which I talk about these breathwork experiences, as well as so much more. You can find it wherever you listen to your podcasts.

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