A question to ask ourselves: Is this helpful?

Hi Friends,

First, look at that ridiculously cute puppy. What?!

I’m writing to you from Canyon Ranch Woodside, one slice of heaven on earth, where I’m leading a weekend retreat called Love Reigns. In last night’s opening session, I talked a lot about our thoughts, and the power we have to steer them in a better-feeling direction. Along with self-love, this is my favorite thing to talk about these days.

As an example, try this: think about an animal that brings you joy. It might be your pet, or a neighborhood dog, or a kangaroo you saw in some YouTube video doing something cute. Just make sure it’s an animal that, when you think about it, you can’t help but feel good. You can feel your heart open and love flood through your body. You’re probably smiling right now as you think about this animal. Maybe you’re even giggling at its goofiness. Let yourself sink into this feeling of love, or joy, or whatever good feeling is rushing through you right now. Close your eyes for a few seconds (or minutes if you prefer) and surrender to these lovely thoughts, to this wonderful feeling.

Isn’t that nice?

This is how simple it can be to usher our thoughts in a different direction, if the direction we’ve been going has been creating a whole lot of misery. I spoke about this idea in the video I shared in the last newsletter, and I’m bringing it up again because one of the attendees last night asked an important question, which I’ll paraphrase here: Aren’t you just denying, or avoiding dealing with your reality if you’re always shifting to other thoughts that don’t feel as bad? How can you tell if you’re actually serving yourself by steering your thoughts away from what you’re feeling?

Great question.

In my experience with my own mind, often when I’m locked into negative thinking — like I’m a piece of crap, or the world is ending, or people are all terrible — I’m not actually obsessing about any of these things in a way that is leading me toward greater clarity or healing. I’m not consciously processing the thoughts, considering whether they are true, or gleaning new perspectives that might actually serve my growth. Often, when we mire ourselves in destructive thoughts, we’re like hamsters on the wheel, just cycling through the same unhelpful thinking patterns. Which is to say, we’re not helping anything. So why not think of our sweet little puppy, or elephants bathing themselves, or our cat who ignores us but we adore just the same? Why not steer our thoughts away from the misery to something heartwarming, or at the very least neutral? Your favorite mug isn’t likely to elicit any misery.

If you’re in conflict with someone in your life, and you’re thinking about the conflict from an expansive perspective, and you’re taking responsibility for your place in it, while at the same time working to empathize with the other person’s perspective, then by all means continue to give energy to the conflict. This type of thoughtful consideration may bring you two closer, or may move you apart. It may help you realize what boundaries you need to establish, or which ones you’ve been trampling. It’s not easy work, and it’s almost certain to be uncomfortable, but this is the type of work that keeps us growing, that creates healing. However, if you’re thinking about the conflict and all you’re able to consider is how much you can’t stand the person, or what a piece of garbage you are for your place in it, then by all means think about Scruffy instead.

The man who asked the question eventually answered it. He said, when considering his thought process, it makes sense to ask “Is this helpful?”

I love that question. So simple. Is this helpful? That’s a great way to determine whether it makes sense to keep thinking the way you’re thinking, or to steer your thoughts to a better-feeling place.

Is this helpful?

If it’s not helpful, then why not do something different? We can get so lost in our thoughts, we forget that we actually have power over them. With willingness, and intention, we can direct our thoughts in any number of ways. Why wouldn’t we direct them in ways that feel good, that are helpful?

I wrote and shared the following to social media yesterday:

It's one thing to acknowledge how difficult this life can be, but it's another thing to focus on it, to talk about everything that feels wrong all the time, to act like there is only darkness and misery here. In our compulsion not to deny the harsh realities of this unpredictable existence, we often end up denying the extraordinary beauty. We focus our gaze on division and blind ourselves to real connection, we seek out examples of brutality and ignore the many moments of kindness, we bind ourselves to the opinions of others and silence the deep wisdom of our hearts. In our effort to avoid spiritual bypassing we pass right by the endless exhibits of love on this planet, within this humanity, from one to another and another to one. There is so much hardship here, yes, too much, and there is so much beauty too. Where are you looking and what are you looking for?

We serve ourselves (and our world) in such an important way when we consider the choices we’re making, with our thoughts, words and actions. With intention, we can align ourselves more often with choices that feel good, that feel helpful. And why wouldn’t we? Yes, it takes focus, it takes work, and yes it’s absolutely worth it. Besides, the alternative so much of the time, is misery. I’m tired of feeling miserable. I’d rather work at feeling good. What we practice at, we get better at. There’s no other possibility.

Wishing you so much love, and deep gratitude for your presence here.

Scott

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I’ve got two workshops coming up, one happening this Sunday, so you best hurry and register (it’s free for paid subscribers to this newsletter).

THIS SUNDAY the 13th! Love Yourself Madly

There is no relationship more important than the one we have with ourselves. Still, most of us don't give enough energy to our self-care and our self-love. We don't treat ourselves like our own best friends. We don't recognize how vital it is to fill our own cups first, so that we have more to offer others, and to offer our world. Join me for Love Yourself Madly, two hours devoted to self-love, which of course positively influences the love we have for others. Sliding scale pricing, and FREE to paid subscribers of this newsletter. Go HERE for details and registration.

My Book of Love & Joy: February 28th - March 11th.

Join me for a new journaling workshop beginning on February 28th called My Book of Love & Joy. For years I’ve been recommending to people to dedicate a journal solely to the positive aspects of their lives: the people they love and who love them, accomplishments that fill them with pride, things they appreciate about themselves, and the list goes on. When we’re feeling down, powerless or hopeless, when our mind is lying to us that all is lost, we can grab our journals and see the truth of our lives in them. We can see the love, and connection, and hope, and beauty. This journal can become one of our most powerful tools during the tough times. For more details and registration, click HERE.