A parable, some perspective & a brand new workshop.
Leaning into a maybe so, maybe not attitude.
Hi Friends,
I love you. You’re beautiful, exactly as you are.
Be sure to read to the end to hear about my brand new workshop coming up in January.
I went to bed last night thinking of the Chinese parable about the Zen farmer.
The farmer relies on his trusty stallion to help with field work, until one day the stallion runs away.
His neighbors hear of the news and rush to the farm to offer their condolences. “We’re so sorry,” they say. “Such terrible luck!”
“Maybe so, maybe not,” the farmer replies.
Just days later, the stallion returns, along with five wild horses he leads back to the farm. Suddenly, the farmer has six strong horses to help with the fields.
His neighbors hear the news and rush to the farm to offer their congratulations. “Such incredible fortune!” they say.
“Maybe so, maybe not,” the farmer replies.
A couple weeks later, the farmer’s son, while trying to tame one of the horses, falls from its back and breaks his leg.
The neighbors are quick to the farm with their concern. “How truly terrible,” they say. “Such bad luck!”
“Maybe so, maybe not,” the farmer replies.
The very next day, an army regiment marches through the village conscripting every able-bodied boy into their forces. When the soldiers arrive at the farmer’s home, they see his son laid up with a broken leg and pass him by.
The neighbors, no doubt, are thrilled for him. “Wow!” they say. “How fortunate you are!”
“Maybe so, maybe not,” the farmer replies. “Maybe so, maybe not.”
Anyone else wanna be that farmer? Okay, not necessarily when the good stuff happens, cuz I like the high of excitement*, but I’ll take his maybe so, maybe not attitude when unpleasant things happen. I sure as hell wouldn’t mind being able to sit with hardship in a more accepting way, understanding I have no idea how circumstances are unfolding from one day to the next. Understanding what I experience as difficult or heartbreaking or just bad luck may in fact be leading to an experience, reality or person I cherish.
Think about it (and share in the comments if you like): Is there someone in your life whom you adore, who wouldn’t be there if you hadn’t had your heart broken by someone else? Are you grateful for some aspect of your life that wouldn’t exist had you not also endured a circumstance that, well, sucked ass?
We can never know what’s to come.
Our stories are always unfolding. I don't pretend to know why much of what happens happens. I do know when I judge what’s happening as only bad, I’m likely not accounting for the more expansive version of the unfolding. I’m in my mind, my fear, my forgetting of the endless possibilities that exist in this reality.
It often takes time, and distance, to recognize the more expansive perspective. When we’re in the middle of the suck, it can be hard to see beyond it. That’s where trust comes in, at least for me. Trust has been my go-to word/intention/desire for the past couple of years. Understanding I can’t possibly know the fullness of my story, can I trust in how it’s unfolding? In how life is unfolding. Can I view whatever the current hardship is through the farmer’s lens: maybe it’s the worst thing ever, maybe it isn’t.
Most of you know I lost my parents when I was fourteen. They were shot to death. This isn’t something I reflect on with gratitude. I’m not thankful they died, and in that horrific way. But I do recognize gifts in my life that may not be here had I not gone through such a trauma. I have a deeply loving, close relationship with my siblings that I suspect (we all suspect) exists in part because of what we went through together. This is a huge gift in my life. I have forgiven the man who murdered my parents and have gotten to see my capacity for forgiveness by doing so. This is a huge gift in my life. Because of the pain from this loss, I am able to be with others’ pain in a more empathetic and compassionate way. This, too, is a huge gift in my life.
I think when we’re able to reflect on some of our greater traumas with a more expansive perspective, we’re able to do so with the lesser, but seemingly daily, hardships of being human. And why wouldn’t we seek to do this if it creates for us, in the moment, a bit more peace within the struggle?
Many of us will be celebrating Thanksgiving here in the US tomorrow. A day, among other things, for gratitude. It’s easy to be grateful for the good stuff, easy to appreciate loving friends and family if we’re fortunate enough to have them, or a thriving career, or vibrant health or your ridiculously cute pet. I’ll be making a point to appreciate some of the harder stuff, too. Like the boredom I’ve been feeling lately. And the loneliness that comes and goes. Like the ease with which my mind wants to see the world as hopeless, even though my heart knows better. I’ll be offering gratitude for the ever-unfolding story, for the endless possibilities that exist beyond whatever circumstance fills this moment, for the maybe so maybe not of it all.
Speaking of gratitude, thank you for being here, for reading my words, supporting my work, reminding me all the time that this world may be dark and brutal, but it’s also filled with lovers, and light-bearers, and wild believers in the co-creation of something more beautiful. It’s my great joy to connect with you all on this journey.
*I realize the point is the good stuff can lead to something unpleasant, too, but it’s still fun to get excited. Worst case, even if something wonderful in the moment leads to something difficult down the line, you get to celebrate a little along the way.
Though I’m only emailing out these newsletters once every couple weeks, I’m sharing on the Bigger Love page much more often. Here are links to a few posts there:
IMAGINE IT! : Create a more fulfilling life with intentional visualization.
I just announced a new Live Online workshop called Imagine It! Click on the title for details. It’s a three-week workshop beginning January 3rd, focused on the power of visualization. We’re going to meet every day, Monday through Friday, for three weeks! (You can do it self-paced, too, if you can’t make the live meetings.) It’s going to be a wildly empowering way to come into the new year.
I’m offering a huge discount for paid subscribers to the Bigger Love newsletter, and will be offering discounts on all my online events and workshops to paid subscribers moving forward.
Lastly, I’m going to start posting answers to questions I receive, so shoot me your questions at scottstabile@substack.com, or write them into the comments on one of the posts. Trust that your question is a question for many, and that your willingness to ask it will benefit others.
Okay, that’s all for now.
Remember: you are worthy, whole and loved, as you are. Always have been, always will be.
Wishing you deep peace and Big Love,
Scott
So happy to see you here and looking forward to all this journey brings! So excited for it all! I wish you the best of luck!
You and your words have been missed. I always relate to what you write. I guess it is the universal trauma language we all share. Thank you for making me see in reading this the gifts I have denied because I have been to wrapped up in the fact that I have had 7 brain surgeries and am disabled for life. I wouldn’t have the close relationship I do with my parents or my brother. These are gifts I am most thankful for and can’t wait to share tomorrow. Much love to you dear Scott. Happy Thanksgiving.